PREFACE (by the Liturgist)

As you now know, this is Holy Humor Sunday.  For our sermon today we are doing a spoof on the popular TV show “American Idol.”  However our idols are those cultural icons in the United States that encourage people to worship them – at the expense of worshipping our true God.  In a sense, God is always competing against other idols here, and in every country, hoping that people will end up following the first commandment, to love the Lord our God and serve only God.

And so without further ado, let me introduce our judges: Simon, Paula Abdul (motions to Pastor Schade) and our special guest Judge is Reformation’s own Council President, Mr. Steve Niss!  (applause). 

Sermon – Holy Humor Sunday
Reformation Lutheran Church, Media, PA
Sunday, April 15, 2007

Cast:

Judge #1 (Pastor Smoose)

Judge #2 (Pastor Schade)

Judge #3 (Steve Niss)

Miss Slimfast (Bill Grauer)

Daddy Warbucks (?)

Miss America (Kirsten Olson)

Eagle-maniac (Linda Koethe Kleckner)

Jesus (Tom Hench)

Setting:

Three chairs and table are set up on organ side facing the congregation, slightly angled so as to see the contestants.  All five contestants are in the sacristy waiting for their turn.  As band plays “?”, the judges come out to the seats.

Judge 1:  Welcome to American Idols!  This morning we’re broadcasting live from Reformation Lutheran Church in Media, Pennsylvania.  We’re down to just five contestants hoping to make it into the final round.  So without further ado, let’s welcome our first contestant – Miss Slimfast!

(Miss Slimfast comes wearing an Slimfast Can, a blonde wig, and carrying a yellow polka dot bikini.  She “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” while doing a cute dance.)

It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today
An itsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini
So in the water she wanted to stay

One, two, three, four
Stick around, we'll tell you more

It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today
An itsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini
So in the water she wanted to stay

Judge 2:  First of all your singing was beautiful.  But even more important – your body is just gorgeous!  I think you have incredible talent and can really go far with your looks in this business.

Judge 3:  I thought you were very good, too.  I would have liked to have seen a little more  . .  . not of your body . . . but, of your, um, your ability to stretch yourself with a song that might be a bit more challenging.

Judge 1:  Were we looking at the same person?  I don’t need another anorexic singer trying to wiggle and jiggle her way into stardom.  I want someone with substance who has a passion for the song, and who’s not trying to get by just on looks.  Your act is a façade!  Healthy is one thing – but you’ve gone to the other extreme with this focus on your appearance.  Let’s bring out our next contestant – Daddy Warbucks.

(Daddy Warbucks comes out wearing a hat with money all over it, and a giant dollar billboard singing “We’re in the Money”  (see website to hear music):  http://www.harrywarren.org/songs/0140.htm)

We're in the money,
We're in the money;
We've got a lot of what it takes to get along!
We're in the money,
The sky is sunny;
Old Man Depression, you are through,
You done us wrong!

We never see a headline
'Bout breadline, today,
And when we see the landlord,
We can look that guy right in the eye .

We're in the money
Come on, my honey
Let's spend it, lend it,
Send it rolling around!

Judge 3:  That was a strong effort.  It’s obvious to me that your heart is in this song.  I appreciate the investment you made in this performance.  And while you have some work to do, it will pay off in the long run.

Judge 2:  I’m sold on you!  I can see the value of everything you’re doing.  You make me see the world through green-tinted glasses.  And that’s a world I want to be a part of!  When you sing I can hear cash registers ringing.  When you move I can see the cash flowin’!  No deficits in my score.  You’ve definitely bought yourself a slot on American Idols!

Judge 1:  What are you guys smoking?  You think that was good?  This guy has obviously mortgaged his soul in a weak attempt to cash in on this show.  He sings as if he’s wearing Washington’s wooden teeth, or shocked by Franklin’s kite trick.  I would suggest he go the way of Hamilton with the duel!  What’s this money thing anyhow?  If that’s all he can see about, there’s no substance or future for him.  I would say, change your tune, find a song that has real value, and I might give you another chance.

Judge 2:  Okay, let’s bring out our third contestant – Miss America!

(Miss America comes in, draped in a huge American flag singing God Bless America.)

God Bless America,
Land that I love.
Stand beside her, and guide her
Thru the night with a light from above.
From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans, white with foam
God bless America, My home sweet home.

Judge 2:  While your singing was not as good as a our previous performer, I thought your selection was inspiring to the point of making me want to wave my flag and do whatever my country asks of me.  Whether I’m right or wrong – you’re going to the next round.  And I’m the Decider!

Judge 3:  This is a popular tune, and it’s obvious that the audience is with you on this.  This is the kind of song that people will sing with you.  And I know you’ve got a hit here.  There’s no doubt in my mind – people are going to vote you in for the next round.

Judge 1:  Well if this were a British Flag, I would agree with you, but this song has nothing of the grandeur and emotion of “God Save the Queen.”  See, the problem is, when you get so focused on a piece of cloth, you can lose your perspective.  You Yanks can’t even see the obvious flaws in this performance.  So Paula, you’ve given a pass, but if it were up to me, I’d say – this is nothing I can stake my life on. 

Judge 3:  Send in the next contestant – Eaglemaniac!

Eagle-maniac comes in dressed in all things Eagle singing “Fly Eagles Fly.” 

            Fly, Eagles fly

            On the road to victory

            Fight Eagles fight

            Score a touchdown, one-two-three

            Hit em low, hit em high

            And we’ll watch our Eagles fly

Fly, Eagles fly

            On the road to victory:  E-A-G-L-E-S- EAGLES!

Judge 1:  Now we’re getting someplace.  Here is a song that has real passion and clearly touches the hearts of the average bloke.  I’m ready to flap my wings and paint my face green and white.  I say YES this definitely can make it all the way as our American idol!

Judge 3:  While I won’t get as excited as Simon, I definitely can relate to this song, and with a beer or two could be persuaded to advance Eagle-maniac to the next round of the play-offs, though I’m not sure this is super enough to win it all.

Judge 2:  I think you guys are more like ostriches than eagles – you’ve definitely got your heads stuck in the . . .  sand on this one.  I realize the religious fervor that this song inspires, and that legions of the faithful will worship at the altar of the holy goal post. . .  however, to tell you the truth, I think this song dances too much to the tune of our second contestant – Daddy Warbucks – who was a least more honest in his singing style.  I’d say, flap your wings someplace else. 

Judge 1:  Okay, we’re ready for our last contestant – Jesus (also known as The Christ, The Messiah, the Lamb of God, the Son of God  . . . oh, you get the picture.)

(Jesus, dressed in robe and beard, comes out singing “Jesus Christ Superstar”)

Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ
Who are you? What have you sacrificed?
Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ
Who are you? What have you sacrificed?
Jesus Christ
Superstar
Do you think you're what they say you are?
Jesus Christ
Superstar
Do you think you're what they say you are?

Judge 3:  Well, I see you’re back again.  You’ve been on this show before.  And truthfully, you’re singing the same old tune.  But as we saw two weeks ago, the crowds are against you.  I don’t think you’re going to get many votes.  This is probably the end of you.  And truthfully, you don’t have nearly the flash or the staying power of our other contestants.

Judge 2:  I want to vote for you, but . .  . you’re song is pretty hard to sing.  You’re asking a lot of me to support you, and I don’t know if I can sing this song to others.  But there’s something about your style that just doesn’t let me go.  I’d like to give you another chance.

Judge 1:  (to other Judges) I don’t understand your lack of enthusiasm.  I know this guy doesn’t have the kind of flashy costume and appearance as the others.  But there’s a Bob Dylan-like quality here to his message that I like.  We need to give this fellow a chance to get that message out.  I think for once, we need to go for substance over flash and glitter.  I don’t know if the people will vote for him or not.  But I think that there’s a hidden talent here that a lot of people haven’t seen yet.  I think that even though he lost the last time – he has a chance to rise again! 

Judge 3:  Well, let’s see what the votes say.  Let’s bring out all of our contestants. . . .

(All contestants come out and line up.  Judges stand by each one in turn to see how much applause they’ll get).  Miss Slimfast.  Daddy Warbucks.  Miss America.  Eagle-maniac.  Jesus Christ

Judge 1:  Well, he was dead last two weeks ago, but it looks like Jesus Christ has risen today!   (Band plays Jesus Christ Superstar.  Everyone bows.).